Excerpt

I just finished reading Kim Meeder's Hope Rising, a wonderful book of stories about how her horse ranch in Oregon is used as a ministry to broken children/youth as well as a rescue operation for abused horses. The last chapter entitled The Choice spoke directly to me and my life. It is exactly what I needed to hear in order to figure out how to carry on day after day amidst all of the challenges I'm facing right now. I don't know how to properly give credit to someone when I quote them, so just know that this is from Hope Rising by Kim Meeder, pages 249-251. I put it all in italics since it's a quote, and put the phrases that hit me hardest in bold.

"So much of our life seems to just happen. We have all shared moments of throwing our hands in the air in utter dismay of a raucous day's offerings. Yet in reality, most of our life is what we choose for it to be. As violently as external forces push, we are still the master of our own will.

Difficulties, hurdles, hardships, whatever name we know them by, one thing is certain-they visit us all. No life is immune from suffering. As certain as we breathe, we will know pain. It is a shapeless void that shifts into as many faces as humanity itself. It has no sense of justice or timing. Like a wall of fire, pain rises where it chooses, consuming whatever it can. It is a famine that gnaws at the soul.

Mounting like impenetrable black fog, pain envelops everything-light, love, hope. It is a dark chasm of loneliness. It is a precipice of despair. It is a wailing child collapsed in a barren orchard.

The view from within this lifeless place is the same in any direction-it is all ash. It wraps around us like a black desolate ring encircling our impoverished soul. There is nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. It becomes the truest definition of being surrounded.

When our hope falls to its knees and takes its last gasp before death, there is an answer. It is simple. It lies free for every soul to choose. When you are surrounded, instead of anxiously looking from side to side, look up. Change your view with a new perspective.

Look up and see what the Maker sees. Instead of a destroyed circle, He sees a vital clearing where the light of truth can penetrate. Instead of a ring of ash, He sees previous snaring distractions burned into usable nutrients. Instead of barrenness, He sees a circle where something enduring can grow, something that is beautiful, something that is permanent.

God doesn't see wild flames on every side lapping at our souls. He sees cleansing fire that consumes the dross of complacency. He sees hearts tempered with strength, purified like gold.

God doesn't see a descening black fog encircling its shrouded victims with the icy grip of despair. He sees a temporary veil that encourages faith to rise out of meandering convenience and be galvanized with power into a force that moves mountains.

God doesn' see a hungry precipice yawning open to swallow us whole. He sees the perfect opportunity for hope to unfurl its wings and soar free over logic that tells us what is and isn't possible....

It is true, the pain that we feel in this life is certain. What is equally certain is how we choose to feel about the pain. It can destroy us-or define us.

Like standing on a mountainous trail, we can choose which way to go. We can choose where we end up. When confronted by pain, we can choose to take the descending trail that most often leads to a dark and lonely place, pitted with mires of helplessness, hopelessnss, despair.

Or we can select the ascending trail and, with some effort and perseverance, we can choose to allow our pain to motivate us toward becoming better people, to move us toward a better place. A place where love transcends selfishness, where faith bulldozes the 'what ifs," and where peace enfolds the heart like a warm blanket...."

I am reminded of a scripture that was shared with me by someone dear during another major trial in my life.

"But he knows the way that I take;

when he has tested me, I will

come forth as gold."

Job 23:10

This is one of those moments for me when I can feel God's presence like I can feel these keys under my fingertips.

That's What Mothers Do

It's 6am. Without turning on any lights, I put the empty bottle on top of my dresser and crawl back into bed, hoping against hope that last 4oz. will hold Josiah until 8:30. I turn my heating pad on. My upper back has been killing me. The Aleve I took before bed never seemed to kick in. The back massage Keith gave me last night turned out to be useless, though I won't tell him that because it felt good at the time! The heating pad is all I have left to try. Very quickly after lying down, I decide that I'll never get comfortable with this stuffy nose. After blowing my nose about three times I'm much less congested. I crawl back into bed again. Thankfully Josiah fell back to sleep, and so did I!

7:36am. I hear him, rolling around in his crib and cooing from behind the closed door to the nursery. My back still hurts, but I can't ignore the sweet little sounds he's making no matter how badly I want just five more minutes of rest. So much for 8:30. I roll out of bed. Slowly and quietly I go into the nursery to give him his pacifier. It'll never work. He's wide awake and the sun is illuminating his room just enough that there's no way he's going back to sleep. I can dream though. Back to bed I go to lay down on that heating pad again. "God, my back hurts" I say, just talking to God, telling him what's going on with me and my body, as if he doesn't already know.

It's all for naught. Josiah is still cooing up a storm in there. I go back into the nursery to put the pacifier back in his mouth again, and I turn his "fish light" on, which is actually just one of those Fisher Price aquariums that hang from the crib rail. I go back into my bedroom, but not to get back into bed and pretend like I can hold this day off any longer. Rather, turning the heating pad off, I begin to make my bed. Thus starts my day.

After making my bed, next it's time to change Josiah's diaper. Maggie is trotting around the upstairs, which usually means Isaac is up, even when I can't hear him. Dogs are like that. So I set Isaac's "changing table" up on my bed. He's got severe diaper rash, again, so instead of wipes I have to dampen a washcloth to clean him up, which for some reason is easier on his bum. I sneeze a few times so I have to blow my nose a few more times. I am starting to hear Isaac now. I open his door and sure enough, there he is happily sitting up in his crib giving me a big, beautiful smile. "Good morning!" I say, as I stroke his hair and his soft cheeks. Then it's time to open his blinds and get him out of his crib; that is, unless he wants to play the game where I put his siderail down and he puts it back up again, saying "up" over and over.

This morning, however, he was happy to get out of his crib right away because he'd already pooped in his diaper, which, as one might imagine, is extremely uncomfortable when one has open sores on their bum. So I change his diaper, wash my hands, and start heading down the steps. After he fell down the steps and hit his head on the floor really hard yesterday, I make sure that I'm in front of Isaac going down, and that he's holding onto the rail, as he not only goes down the stairs forward now like a big boy, but has to carry his blanket down with him too.

When we get to the bottom, I have to put Josiah in the bouncie seat. I often worry that I leave Josiah alone too often, but I haven't figured out a way to take care of Maggie and Isaac's every need with him in my arms all of the time, and probably never will. This guilt I simply must bear. He won't be a little baby forever. He will crawl someday, sooner rather than later I'm sure.

I let Maggie outside. While I'm putting food in her bowl Isaac gets a Milkbone out for her. Maggie comes back in & I can start Isaac's breakfast and Josiah's bottle. Isaac sees the yogurt on the table where he sits and starts fussing for it. I put one of the new bibs with pockets on it to catch food that I just bought yesterday on him and put him in his booster seat. I may as well have skipped the bib because he still got yogurt all over himself. I get his sippy of milk ready, his vitamin, and split his english muffin to put in the toaster. Normally I only toast half of it, but this morning I figured I'd eat the other half to save time on making my own separate breakfast. As the english muffin is toasting, I make Josiah's bottle. Then it's margarine, grape jam, and I'm finally ready to sit down.

First things first, Josiah gets 2mL Zantac for his reflux. He spits most of it out. Oh well. Then his bottle, which, even though he hasn't eaten for 2 1/2 - 3 hours, he immediately proceeds to push out of his mouth with his tongue. I look up at Isaac who has "finished" his yogurt already, but that just means there isn't any left in the container. Most of it is in a pool on the table and on his new waterproof bib, and the rest is smeared all over his hands, face, sleeves, and sides of his booster seat. Now he figures he'll try a bite of his english muffin.

Josiah has never been easy to feed. Even when I nursed him he would grunt and arch his back, cry and fuss. This morning was no different. So while my back is aching, I'm sitting in a chair without arm rests at the kitchen table, trying to keep Josiah's arms down while keeping the bottle in his mouth, while he's arching his back and grunting because I guess it hurts. All the while, Isaac is sort of pushing his empty plate around the table with his sippy on top. Must've gotten too close to the edge. Both plate and sippy wind up on the floor. This upsets Isaac greatly. Now, while holding Josiah, I must pick the plate up off of the floor, put it on the counter so as to prevent such an incident from repeating itself, and give him his sippy back.

At last, Isaac is happy again, Josiah is drinking his bottle easily now, and my back is still hurting me as I wonder if I'll get to drink my tea before it gets cold. What makes it all worthwhile? I don't know. Maybe it's that I got to praise and reward Isaac like three times just this morning for peeing on the potty! Maybe it's seeing my JoZo's face light up when I get him out of his crib after a nap. Maybe it's all three of us lying on our tummies on the floor reading a book together. Somehow these precious little moments more than make up for how chaotic a mother's day, everyday, can be (as well as her sore back).

What I've Been Doing Lately

In case you're wondering, I'm no further along in Isaac or Josiah's scrapbooks. Well, I did finally print some pictures. But that's it.

Sidenote, I requested information on having a solar panel installed on our roof a couple of weeks ago. Someone was supposed to call me but never did. Hmmm. I'm going to have to follow up on that.

Josiah was dedicated at church yesterday, so we had all of Keith's family from Michigan at our house all weekend. When my house is packed like that, and the TV is blaring, I think I suffer from sensory overload. I'm more jumpy and anxious. I hate all that noise & disorganization! Ever since having Isaac I like a nice quiet house. No television. I guess that will have to change as my boys get older. There will be fewer and fewer quiet, peaceful moments to enjoy. Anyway, the dedication went smoothly, the food was good, etc.

However, as the afternoon wore on yesterday I grew more and more feverish, achy, and nauseated. I unfortunately had to take a couple of Tylenol and lay down on my bed with all of my guests downstairs because I was afraid I was going to vomit. A couple of hours later I came downstairs and everyone was gone! My friend Jess put away all of the food for me. What an angel. I feel better today, but I do have a cold and body aches. But the fever and nausea are gone.

Right now I'm reading a great book called Hope Rising by Kim Meeder. She and her husband Troy run the Crystal Peaks Youth Ranch in Oregon, where they not only rescue abused and neglected horses but also minister to troubled youth. The stories are so heartwarming and inspiring. The reason why I became interested in this author is because I was looking for something to encourage my niece in her faith as she is my goddaughter. She loves horses and is taking horseback riding lessons again. I just pray that this book and the stories contained in it fall on fertile ground so to speak. She is fourteen years old and right smack in the middle of the worst puberty has to offer. She knows it all, I'm an adult and therefore I'm stupid, church is boring, etc.

Well, I gotta go feed my youngest. Hopefully next time I'll have some progress to report on the scrapbooking.

Oh, I almost forgot! Isaac peed on the potty for the first time Sat night! Yeah!!!!

What I'm Working On Next

With our church we read the Bible, cover to cover, in 90 days. This began July 13 and ended Oct 8 I believe. We had to read 12 pages a day. This was beneficial in that everything stayed fresh in your mind, especially in the Old Testament. I know it wasn't an in depth reading, but I still picked up on A LOT that I missed the first time through, which took me 8 years. So 12 pages a day would take up about 45 minutes each day.

Now that that is over, I've started cleaning my house again like I used to before Josiah was born. Thoroughly! All I have left to do is dust Josiah's room & my room. Then I'm going to devote myself whole heartedly to my pictures and scrapbooking! I only finished Isaac's scrapbook up until he was about 4 or 5 months old. Needless to say I haven't begun Josiah's yet. So I have a lot of digital pics that were never printed. I want to finish Isaac's first year and get Josiah's scrapbook current.

After that, I may pick up my Spanish lessons again. I haven't decided yet.

My Adorable Boys! And Maggie.

Just wanted to share one of the most recent and adorable pics of my boys. Out of the blue Isaac decided to cuddle with Josiah on the floor. Priceless! And you can see Maggie Louise sitting in the background. If you look hard enough, you can see the "bat" symbol on her chest. I tell you, Maggie's a champ with the boys. Isaac's always cuddling all over her, and she just takes it. She's such a good sport.

I've Been Tagged

I just learned that I've been tagged, and I guess the game is to tell 6 things about myself most people don't know.

1) I've had little career direction in my life. My mom is the one who guided me into dietetics and nutrition. She tried to push me into physical therapy but after shadowing a PT for like a day, I decided I totally hated it. At various times in my life I wanted to be a financial planner, teacher, professional muscian (I played tenor saxophone, but I wasn't that good), doctor, travel agent, and stay-at-home mom (yeah!).

2) I'm on my second marriage. Most people know this, but what no one knows is the reason why I married my first husband in the first place! Here's one reason: I was foolish enough to think that because I grew into a much closer relationship with God as a result of meeting my first husband, that our marriage was meant to be. Summarize no. 2 by saying I've made some pretty dumb mistakes in my life that have cost me a lot.

3) I was raised Lutheran, and I actually enjoyed going to church, but I hated how the hymns sounded like dirges and we repeated the same prayers and responses week after week. It never felt sincere, or heartfelt. It seemed so rehearsed. That's what drew me to Pittsburgh East Full Gospel Church, and eventually Covenant Church of Pittsburgh.

4) My middle name is Marion. That was my grandmother's name. There is a debate, however, as to whether my grandmother's name was Marion Emily, or Emily Marion. So no one is really certain what her first name was.

5) When I was in 8th or 9th grade I was in the preliminary competition for the Junior Miss Dance of Pennsylvania Pageant. It was my first time competing as a soloist, but all of the girls from the dance company I was in always made it into the finals. Not that year! I was the only one who didn't make it as a final contestant, and I cried like a baby! I was at least 13 years old, and I was shattered, embarassed, and utterly demoralized that I was the only one who didn't make it from my dance company.

6) When I was little the other kids, boys and girls alike, on the street would make fun of me because I couldn't spit. My best friend Melissa could spit with the best of them. That's another interesting fact about me. I've only ever had 2 best friends in my life, and they were both named Melissa.

So now, because she's the only other person I know on blogspot that blogs regularly, I'll tag Denise at Bryant Family Blog!

Perhaps I Will Stop at 2 After All

So, it was about 10:30am. Isaac and I were outside on the deck playing while Josiah was napping. Well, of course, Josiah woke up from his nap early, crying. So I had to get Isaac inside so I could go upstairs and try to settle Josiah. I can usually get him to go back to sleep. Ha ha.

I take Isaac inside and it turns into a full blown tantrum. So I go upstairs anyway to try & settle Josiah, and I bet I could have, but for Isaac's wailing. Every time Isaac would shriek, Josiah would open his eyes again. So I laid Josiah down in the hope that he might fall back to sleep on his own. Hey, I can dream can't I? And I took Isaac back outside.

Within 5-10 minutes Josiah was screaming again. So I brought Isaac inside again only this time I put Sesame Street on TV. The TV is never on so I thought this might be just enough novelty to distract him while I take my time in putting Josiah back to sleep. Well that wasn't working. Isaac wouldn't let me go. So I put him in the playpen for a sort of time-out while I went upstairs with Josiah again.

After 8 minutes I had Josiah back to sleep, but Isaac was fit to be tied. I took him out of the playpen, tried cuddling him, giving him a soft blanket, his water, etc. He wasn't having it. Obviously I wasn't going to take him back outside again if this is the way he was going to react everytime we came back inside. I mean, we would have had to come inside eventually anyway. So I removed our shoes and jackets and continued to try and pacify Isaac.

Do you know what finally settled him down? A banana. He spotted one on the counter, reached for it, and peacefully sat on the chaise lounge in the living room to eat it. (This was the second banana of the day, mind you. He almost always has one for breakfast.)

At last, both boys were settled and at peace with the universe!

Then just as Isaac was finishing the last bite of his banana, Josiah woke up again. On our way to the garbage can to throw the peel away Isaac grabbed another banana off of the counter top. I was not going to allow him to eat 3 bananas in 1 morning, so I took it off of him and put it back in the basket. So of course, Isaac started freaking out again. And there I was, making a bottle, with Josiah screaming upstairs and Isaac screaming right in front of me.

It would be easier to go back to work.

This is why I can't get any help, and I feel so all alone. No one else can handle this. I am alone in this everyday, by choice. Like I said, it would be easier to go back to work and let someone else deal with this. But daycare is too expensive and my parents could never handle it. This is my life.

I know in a couple of years I'll forget days like these and only remember the good ones, the sweet and precious days when Josiah never wakes up early from his naps and stays on schedule all day and Isaac is just so blessedly well-behaved all day long without a single tantrum. Then I'll say to Keith, "Let's have another baby." Here we go again.

I've always wanted 4 children. Two didn't seem like enough. I've always wanted my kids to have lots of siblings to lean on when my husband and I are gone. Three is an odd number. What would it be like going to Kennywood? What about that "middle child" syndrome? Four seemed just right.

After mornings like this though I think, "Maybe I will stop at 2 after all!"

Another Milestone!

So Josiah is 4 months old, and yesterday he rolled over, back to front, for the first time! He actually did it twice! He's such a big boy! However, for the last two nights he's woke up at 4am and refuses to go back to sleep. This morning I actually gave him a bottle to go back to sleep. This week we cut out his late night feeding, but I think we're going to bring it back again!

Also, yesterday I took the boys to a local gymnasium to check out their infant/toddler tumbling class. It was really cool, and the boys outnumbered the girls, which was something I was worried about. So we're going to sign Isaac up for the winter session beginning in December. He will love it!

I ended up hurting my knee really badly yesterday too. I started running in August, and I've been pushing myself harder & harder week after week to run longer. Last night I ran 27 solid minutes on the treadmill. I felt great! But when I was up with Josiah at 4am this morning, I realized I couldn't bend my knee or put any weight on it (like going up & down stairs, sitting down in & getting up from a chair). I took ibuprofen this morning but it hasn't helped so far. I'm really bummed out because Keith & I were planning on running a 5k next weekend. I don't know what I'm going to do. I really want to do it, but I don't want to do any major damage. I'm really disappointed.

On a positive note though, Isaac is very interested in the potty, and very aware of his bowel & bladder habits. I think he'll be in big kid underwear in no time! I just have to get my act together & figure out how I'm going to potty train him. I'm so overwhelmed as it is!

One of These Days....

Since Josiah's been born, I've found myself keeping a journal again. So I figured, why not start blogging?

Someday I'll actually find time to blog!

I'll just start by saying that this week we've started Josiah on baby food. We gave him carrots last night and he seemed to really like them! Also, Isaac is experiencing a word explosion right now. He is taking in so much new information right now. He said about 5-10 new words yesterday alone! Some of his words include up, go, off, on, head, love, cookie, mommy, daddy, ga ga, pappy, maggie (which comes out more like gaggie), baby, uh oh, happy, whale, and car. He's identifying shapes, as well as "characters" like Cookie Monster, Mickey, Goofy, and Pluto!

But it sounds like nap time is over already. So I'll have to post more some other time.